Letters to the Editor
by Logical Fallacy
Summary: A series of letters from the Clue Hunters expressing their opinion on what is commonly known as 'FanFiction'.
1. Note from the Editor

_Letters to the Editor_

The following letters were sent to me, the Editor, via e-mail from the Clue Hunters upon discovering what is known as 'FanFiction'. These letters were written by individuals expressing their concerns, discrepancies, and praise over what is considered 'canon' and 'non-canon'.

Upon recieving and reading the letters, I came up with the idea to post these letters in the hopes of seeing better stories in the future. With permission from the authors, all letters were edited for grammar and spelling errors, made to fit the eyes of the general public, and, as best as possible, kept in original context. If any extreme changes were made, footnotes will be listed to clarify what the original context might have been. Footnotes will also be used to list down any comments by me.

All views expressed in these letters are not that of the Editor's. Any offences, complaints, or screams of outrage expressed in form of a review critique will be sent to the original writer of the letter and dealt with as they see fit. For example, Mrs. Isabel Kabra will more than likely laugh, crumple the complaint—or in some cases, set it on fire—then track you down and tell you exactly what she thinks about your reply.

On behalf of the Hunters, we thank you for your time and hope your insights help bring forth a better understanding of the people you chose to manipulate, toy, and/or destroy with your stories.

_-Editor in Chief, The Logical Fallacy_


	2. Dan Cahill

Dan Cahill

* * *

Sup, dudes.

Normally, I wouldn't write this for anything in the world, not even for the next Ninja Gaiden game (which is super cool, have you seen the graphics and the new moves? _Awesome_!). I have much better things to do with my life, like play video games on the Wii (and kick Amy's butt. Dude, never play on Amy's team on the Wii. Or any sport. She sucks.). But then, the Editor threatened to take it and hide it from me until I write this[1]. I would have used my awesome ninja skills to make her go away, except that she forced me to read what you people like to call 'FanFiction'.

At first I was like, "Who cares?" It's just one stupid story, right? Then, the Editor showed me an entire site full of stories based on the Clue Hunt. That's when I said, "What the _heck_?"

WHY DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY STORIES ON ME AND NATALIE?

I'd understand all those stories that were about my sister and Brit Boy—I still tease her about that. I mean, Amy really looked like she was falling for him. (By the way, did you know Ian blushes just as bad as my sister? Just saying. [2]) I get why you'd think that would make a good 'pairing'. But me and Natalie? No way! That's gross! Sick, man, sick. We have never—I mean _never_—shown any sort of friendliness for each other, all the more like each other. We are pure enemies all the way. Where did you get the idea that I like her? In any way, friend or girlfriend? The only person that she'd fall in love with is herself.

I don't care if you continue writing about Amy and Ian (I'd love to see their faces when they see this. That would be epic!) but no more Dan and Natalie. She makes me _throw up_ whenever I look at her. She _doesn't _make me feel 'queasy' inside. She doesn't look like a goddess in my eyes. (Gag. Throw up. Who ever thinks that has committed a serious act of ninja-insulting.) And she doesn't have a heart. (Well, she does have a literal heart. How else would she live—and die? She just doesn't have a figurative one.) She never has, and she never will. Never, _ever_. Ever.

Another thing.

How come, in the how many stories I've seen so far, I haven't seen one where I show off my awesome ninja skills? I have mad ninja skills, people! I can beat Jackie Chan—online and in real life. Get it through your heads! I can kill you faster than you can blink! (And if you don't stop writing those awful stories, I _will_ kill you faster than you can blink. Or seriously hurt you. Did you see what happened to the Starling triplets?_ I_ did that. I was like, "Hi-ya! Wachukuchiku!" and they were all, like, "No! Have mercy on us, O great and wise and awesome and cool and strong Dan!" And me, being the awesome and merciful supreme ninja lord that I am, let them off with only a warning. Oh yeah, bow down to me, my loyal, adoring fans.)[3]

Aaaand, finally.

I have nothing else to say to you.

Oh, wait. I do.

I don't blush. I am not a 'sweet, caring guy', no matter how far down you dig. I don't get flowers for any so-called Hunter, Original Character—most of which are Mary Sues—or Natalie. (You notice that Natalie isn't included in the hunters? That's because she never got her own clue, and neither did she actually hunt—she just sorta whines.) _They_ get _me_ presents—preferably video games and anything ninja-related—for Valentine's day. I don't even like Valentine's Day. They're only for mushy people. What's the point of it anyway? I hate getting mushy. I am a supreme ninja lord, I don't _do_ mushy. I don't have a girlfriend, and I never will. (Unless my girlfriend is a super rich girl who won't mind getting me the newest video games. Know any one that fits the description? Natalie doesn't count.)

So, stop writing stories on me and any girl—especially Baby Cobra,—make me an awesome ninja, and remove any mushiness from any of your stories. I mean it. _Now_. Before I cut your heads off with my super cool sword from Japan.

The Editor is bugging me to write a longer letter, but I don't want to. She can do whatever she likes with this. I don't care. [4]

~Dan the Awesome Ninja Lord Who Shall Kick Your Butt

* * *

[1] Lies. Like I mentioned in the foreword, these letters were sent to me.

[2] Ian himself will clear this up in a future post. I don't know which one because I'm still convincing him to write something to what he calls 'immature writing for those losers who have no life'.

[3] He doesn't _have_ ninja skills, no matter how hard he wishes for it. (_Stop poking me with the scissors, Dan__!_) He tried showing me a demo when we first met, and until now, my dog runs away from him.

[4] He _does_ care. He's watching over my shoulder and breathing down my neck just to make sure that I post this, so that you authors out there will see how he feels. So please, listen to the ninja master. (I'm rolling my eyes as I type this.)

The Editor

P.S. Am I the only one who noticed that Dan gets distracted easily? Look at all those parenthesis and dashes!


	3. Hamilton Holt

Hamilton Holt

* * *

Guys. Girl version of the word 'guys'. (Is there such a thing? I always wonder—)

_[Hamm, you cannot use the word 'wonder' because by using the word 'wonder', it implies that you can actually think.]_

[What are _you _implying? That I can't think?]

_[Do you even know what the word 'imply' means?]_

[Yeah. Duh.]

_[What, then, O Great Almighty Idiot?]_

[It means... something about saying something but not really. Like a hidden message that was meant to be not-hidden.]

_[Yeah. Sure it does.]_

[Get out of here. Why don't you do something else instead of hanging around like a loser with no life?]

[*Editor leaved the room for a soda.*]

So...What's up?

What am I supposed to do here again?

Oh. I'm supposed to clear up a few things about FanFiction.

Let's see…

Look, I appreciate the effort and all, but I don't like how you guys think that just because me and Amy were nice to each other during the hunt, we automatically are a romantic pairing. I mean, come on! Seriously? We were only nice for a total of five minutes. Besides, that doesn't change my opinion that Amy and Dan are still wimps and losers. I let them get ahead of me on that bell tower (or whatever that was) in Russia _on purpose_. I totally could have beaten them. And I accepted that soda from Dan because_—_who wouldn't refuse free food? I was just being a nice and merciful person at the moment, that's all.

_Ow._

Hang on… the Editor's saying something. (She came back with Coke for me.)

Oh.

Apparently, I "shouldn't flatter myself because there are way more Ian/ Amy pairings than there are Hamilton/ Amy pairings." In the words of the Editor, I am an "egomaniac who no one would really pair up with anyone."

Did anyone else understand that? Because I sure as heck have no idea what she just said.

[*Hammy is shoved out of the seat.*]

_[Hey, guys. It's me, the Editor. What I meant by that was no self-respecting author would really pair Hamilton up with anybody.]_

[*The Editor is shoved out of the seat.*]

[Oi! That wasn't fair. I didn't see her pushing Dan out of his seat while _he_ was typing. Didn't your mother tell you that it's rude to push people off their seats? And are you saying that anyone who paired me up with someone isn't a self-respecting author?]

_[Shut up, Hamm. Didn't your mother tell you that it's wrong to take steroids? (I'm sitting on his lap right now, in case you're wondering. I can feel all his muscles, especially the ones in his thighs. Dude, they're like rocks.) I didn't mean that self respecting part, that was a joke. And I didn't push Danny-boy out of his chair because he was a well-behaved boy.]_

[Well-behaved boy? Are we talking about the same kid here? And get off my lap, loser! Stop feeling me up!]

_[I am not feeling you up! Your muscles are just huge, and I can't help but feel them. And, 'sides, I'm the editor, and I can do what I want. And don't call me a freak.]_

[No, you can't. I'm doing this as a favour to you.]

_[Uh, yes, I can.]_

[Okay, enough of this. I'm leaving.]

* * *

Um, 'sup, guys. Editor here.

Yeah, Hamilton really left. I'm so sorry about that. He was just being a brat_—_almost like a certain Cobra I could mention.

But don't worry! I'll get him back! I promise.

And, because he called me a freak and didn't apologize, what do you guys say to punishing him? I have a really good idea!

Let's make him read FanFiction!

I need you guys to suggest FanFiction that you want Hammy to read. And I'll force him to sit here and type out reviews to each one of them! Sound good?

One last thing: Any important Author's Notes will be placed on my WordPress (link on my profile.)

One super last thing: Dan replied to some reviews. I'm posting them on my WordPress soon. Not today, but soon. So if you reviewed Dan's section, check it out.


	4. Hamilton Sheldon Holt

Hamilton Holt

* * *

Without further ado, I (re)give you _Hamilton Sheldon Holt_! Let's give him a round of applause, people!

_[Ow! You do know that the five-pound shower head fell on my shoulder the other day, right? It still hurts!]_

[That's your fault. And didn't we already agree? You don't interrupt me while I write a letter to the people out there.]

_[Fine.]_

* * *

Okay! Finally! The evil, evil Wicked Witch of the West is gone!

Ha! I just called her Wicked Witch of the West, and she can't do squat about it!

I just noticed that she introduced me as Hamilton _Sheldon_ Holt. If you're stupid enough to believe that, then… I'll be seeing you soon. (Unfortunately for you.) Where the heck does she come up with those stupid names? It's the most loser-ish name there is! My dad would never have a kid named Sheldon!

I once had this classmate named Sheldon. I showed him exactly what I thought of his name. He doesn't study in that school now, though… nor does he study in the district… or in the city… or in the country… In fact, I don't think he can even study. At least, I don't think he can study anymore.

Anyway, apparently, there aren't many Amy-and-Hamilton stories out there. Good. Because that's really awkward. And technically, it's counted as incest. Ian and Amy should also be counted as incest. They're related, people. Distantly, but they still are.

Okay, the Editor just came back and she wants me to read something written by a friend of hers.

* * *

_[While Hammy boy's reading a little story called Lights, Camera, Kill Me Now by Joelle8, I'll use this time to thank the readers for posting a review, adding this story to your Favorite Stories, or subscribing to the Story Alert. Thank you so much. It makes me feel happy to know that there are actually some people reading this thing._

_Oh, joy. _It's_ back. (By it, I mean Hammy.)]_

* * *

What.

THE.

_FU_[censored for profanity]_!_

Who the [heck] is Joelle-[censored]-8? I will kill you!

Me and Natalie?

The title fits very well: Lights, Camera, _Kill Me Now_.

That can be arranged. I'm going to hunt her down and kill her. Joelle8 will die a very painful death.

* * *

_[Hey, this is the Editor here. Since Hammy's hands are shaking really hard, and he can't type properly right now, and he seems to be going crazy—if he isn't already—I let him take a twenty-minute break. While he's puking his guts out in the bathroom, I'll take the time to let you know about a few more things._

_One, some things on my WordPress might not be posted here. Like, say, Dan's review replies to the reviews for the letter he wrote. He only replied to three, though, because there were only three directed at him._

_Two, I might update more frequently now that it's summer here. Or I might not. I probably won't._

_Three, Very Important Author's Notes are on my WordPress. I will not reply to you on FanFiction if the same questions were asked and answered on my WordPress, and you didn't read them. So, deal. _

_Four, for all the other suggested stories for Hamm, I'm taking pity on the poor, mentally unstable child, and I plan to let him read only one story a day. Maybe I'll ask him to come back in the distant future and read Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic. _

_And five, Hammy's back.]_

* * *

Me and Natalie.

Me and Natalie.

Me and that bratty [really mean girl].

Why in the world would I even—I would kill myself before that even happens. She is the most annoying, pretentious, spoiled, ugly loser in the Kabra family. And, dude, that's saying something. There are a lot of annoying, pretentious, spoiled, ugly losers in the Kabra family.

I can still taste the bile in my throat.

Oh, cr[censored].

_[Wow. He must really be disgusted. He just ran to the bathroom again, and his face was green. I didn't think that it's actually possible for someone's face to turn green. I always thought it was an exaggeration. Okay, here he is again.]_

Me and Natalie. That's just gross. Abominable, awful, beastly, cloying, creepy, detestable, distasteful, foul, frightful, ghastly, grody, gross, gruesome, hateful, hideous, horrid, horrific, icky, loathsome, lousy, macabre, monstrous, nasty, nauseating, nerdy, noisome, objectionable, obnoxious, odious, offensive, outrageous, repellent, repugnant, revolting, rotten, satiating, scandalous, scuzzy, shameless, shocking, sleazeball, sleazy, stinking, surfeiting, vile, vulgar, yecchy, yucky. Use any word you want. I don't care. That's what I think of me and Natalie. [1]

I am not going to think about that story.

I am not going to think about that story.

I am not going to think about that story.

I am not going to think about that story.

I'm still thinking about that story!

_[Aw, is the poor, itty, bitty wittiw Hammy-boy traumatized?]_

[Yes.]

_[Well, that was punishment for leaving me the last time. Learn your lesson, or else… keep in mind that I have a few more stories lined up.]_

[I hate you.]

_[The stories are in my bag, you know.]_

[…but I won't leave you again.]

Okay. Damn, that girl is really annoying. The Editor, not Joelle8. Well, Joelle8 too. But she's not just annoying, she's dead. Dead to me.

First of all, I will not do a cheesy romance movie. If ever, it would be a cool movie about football. Or some other sport.

Second, I will not, under any circumstances, work for Jonah Wizard. He is a bomb… that explodes into a million pieces. (He will, once I get my hands on him.)

Thirdly, there is no way on Earth that no team would want to sign me. I mean, look at these muscles! They're gorgeous! There would be teams lining up at my doorstep, begging me to join them. It's impossible for me not to be signed. So what if a few of my teammates were harmed? I should be an honor and a privilege.

It's a good thing that the story is unfinished. I don't know how much more I can take of this monstrosity you call FanFiction.

There. I'm done with this. I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back. [2]

* * *

[1] He copied and pasted that from Dictionary. Com

[2] That's what _he_ thinks.


End file.
